"I was gonna say, The problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it. You know how hard that is, Lily? I love May, but it was still so hard to choose Caribbean Pink. The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters." Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees
This time of year as a therapist is perhaps one of the busiest. There is something about the holidays that bring a lot of issues to the surface that people finally decide to tackle. I suspect that the holidays bring us face to face with our expectations, a sort of gnawing at something just under the surface of our being. Perhaps it is actually something internally locked away that is anxious to get out and be seen.
Authenticity and Connection are basic needs that our core self desires and has a hard time giving up on. It is true that there are many who give up on such cravings, those who have been so hurt in the past that they have determined to never again open themselves up to the prospects of a repeat performance. The repeat performance I speak about is the disappointment, hurt, rejection, shame, and abandonment that took place in our most vulnerable times as children.
As children in order to alleviate our anxiety and hurt, we needed to form imaginary connections with our parents (or caregivers). This illusion of connection offered us a comfort, a feeling of being less alone and less vulnerable. Pretty soon we began living a life based on family and society roles given to us. In order to maintain this sense of security, it was necessary to stick to our roles. This helped us maintain the belief that we are a close family, or there is always someone there for me, or I have a place that I can be myself. The problem is that we have to avoid the real feelings from those and feelings towards those who claimed they loved us. Feelings of aloneness, rejection, blame, guilt, fear and shame. Avoiding these painful truths of the past extract a heavy price in our current life.
" Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and funerals are occasions that offer clear-cut examples of the effects of socially-determined responses. We are supposed to feeling something at these events, but what we allow ourselves to feel is very often not real. In fact, we may kill off any spontaneous feeling in order to be able to show the "right" (socially accepted) emotion." Robert Firestone, Psychological Defenses in Everyday Life
The goal of psychoanalytic psychotherapy is to remove the blockade of suppressed unconscious material that led to the formation of childhood protection. Therapy provides a space to deal with the overwhelming emotions that help the client incorporate feelings and experiences into their current life and begin to change their position with emotions by making meaning from them. Becoming aware of the our unconscious gives us freedom and choice on how to move forward and release ourselves from the bondage of past roles and experiences.
Most people never make that choice to pursue an unencumbered life. At whatever point or stage in life you are currently, it is never too late.
“Family pathology rolls from generation to generation like a fire in the woods taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to his ancestors and spares the children that follow” Terry Real
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