Today is one of those times when I feel like a few pieces of a puzzle started coming together. It is a time when parts of me relaxed and became less reactive to the actions and words of others. When this happens, the words of a friend from many years ago come to mind, "people are generally doing the best they can." I would be remiss if I did not include myself and perhaps that is the starting point for me. When I realize that I am doing my best and generally have good intentions, I grow in compassion for myself and others.
When we experience the threat of pain, sadness, fear, isolation, worry among other emotions, parts of ourselves become triggered to protect us from being thrown into the depths of these emotions. Fearing no way out or facing the burden of our pain, it is common that we resort to ways of protection, often called defense mechanisms. One of my favorite authors, Robert Firestone, wrote a book "Psychological Defenses in Everyday Life," in which he encourages the reader to embrace the realities of life by letting go of the defenses that hold onto fantasies developed in childhood as a means of maintaining a sense of security and safety.
I have struggled and do struggle with my own defenses such as projections, blame, denial, rationalization, intellectualization among others. However, as I am gradually aware of my underlying intentions to protect a younger part of me, I feel more inclined to care for the young boy than to change the environment in which he and I are surrounded. Circling back around to my increasing feelings of peace this morning. I was reflecting on some difficult situations that millions of people face every single day and while saddened for the hurt, my attention also turned to those that aggressively defend by attacking. Defense mechanisms can keep us one step ahead of self-reflection and the underlying pain. These people are also tired of running and avoiding. When these people stop fighting, they are left with nowhere else to turn, but inward.
“There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.” ― Desmond Tutu
When I am able to see the actions of others as protective and less about me, I can let go of the need to fix, explain, defend and turn to acceptance of reality. In instances where I have done something wrong, I can empathize with myself, acknowledge a mistake without it taking over all of who I am. In my opinion, this connection with myself and others is a big part of forgiveness.
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