A quote that I recently read stated, "When you make a list of things that you love, how long does it take for you to list yourself?" There is nothing that gives me more joy in the therapist office that to have clients share how they feel lighter, easy, and have more room to breath among other similar statements.
The physical sensations that come with unburdening parts of ourselves carrying the weight of both "big t" and "little t" trauma is hard to explain to someone that has not experienced it before. As the dominant parts of ourselves that have been providing protection our entire lives begin to understand that the world is a much safer place now than it was in the past, other more vulnerable parts feel comfortable coming out of the closet. These authentic and vulnerable parts are more of the fundamental nature of ourselves, parts that can truly never be damaged or totally ostracized. This is the self we are born with, that cannot be damaged no matter the magnitude of our trauma. There is a self-led state of mind in which clients know they are truly in touch with themselves. Dick Schwartz , the founder of Internal Family Systems therapy, observed the 8 c's of self-leadership: confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, curiosity, courage, compassion, and connectedness.
It is common to have clients be at a loss for how to connect to themselves. They hear this term and want instructions or methods that can help them discover what it is that others are speaking about. Accessing the self, while encouraged through various techniques, only truly comes about when we get to know the parts of ourselves and the roles they are playing in our lives. Our parts need acknowledgement in order to ease their reactivity and give the true self more space to exist. I recall beginning therapy and beginning to experience the feelings of connectedness with myself. I began to gain control and live in a more goal directed and authentic manner. Only then did loving myself begin making its way up the list.
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