Lately, I have been struggling with disappointment. The Pandemic itself brings us face to face with the daily disappointment by restricting the things we once took for granted. I am also dealing with disappointment in professional and personal relationships. Things can seldom be what I hope or expect them to be, which builds frustration within me. I cannot say that I have "the answer," but I felt that putting pen to paper may be the best way for me to begin sorting out my disappointment.
In the past, I experienced the expectations of others as a requirement for acceptance. Honestly, who didn't? We all did, but that rationalization is just an attempt to minimize our feelings of hurt. When disappointment comes from those in charge of our care and safety, we tend to believe there must be something wrong with us. There is no way that adults in charge of me with infinite wisdom and power, could be wrong no matter what hurt I feel. As shame creeps up we vigilantly look for ways to avoid the embarrassment of being exposed. I carried this approach through the early part of my adulthood as a part of me looked for ways to desperately avoid disappointing others and mostly myself. This part of me was scared of vulnerability and afraid of authenticity.
"To be known or recognized is to immediately experience the other's power. The other becomes the one who can give or withhold recognition: who can see what is hidden; who can reach, conceivably even violate, the core of the self" Jessica Benjamin
As real-life situations violently threw me in therapy, I was hesitant to open these parts of me that did not feel safe. I was afraid my motives and behavior would be judged and then someone could validate the disappointing truth I already knew about myself. I was broken, in pain, lonely, afraid, sad, worried, and anxious. As long as I could manage other's opinion and knowledge of myself, I would not have to deal with the broken, wounded parts. My managers help me avoid facing the disappointment that I was to myself.
There is a part of me that still looks to meet other's needs. I fail to speak out my wishes or go to great lengths to try to understand how I can do things the right way so that others will be happy with me. Then there are times where the timid parts of me decide to stand up and speak for myself. This part does so honestly and authentically. The part is trying his best to connect and to be understood to the point of vulnerably risking rejection. When others criticize or make accusations about the its motives, this part of me hurts. It reminds me of that little boy that never wanted to disappoint others in the first place. And I consider for a time what I did wrong or what could I have done better? Again, seeking to find a way that I could have met other's needs to avoid the pain of rejection.
Part of my problem was seeing myself as a complete disappointment rather than noticing that parts of me were feeling like a disappointment. Other parts were striving to avoid feeling the pain of disappointment and rejection. Recently, I began speaking to this part of me and recognizing how hard this part of me was working to be authentic, how courageous and diligent this part has been, and how this part's motives are doing the best they can. I like this part of me and he likes being acknowledged for who is really is. This part and the other parts will find their people, it just won't be every people.
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