Humans come into the world with two basic psychological needs, connection and authenticity. Much of our life's circumstances are dependent on how our need for connection and authenticity were acknowledged and developed throughout our upbringing. We carry these needs with us throughout life; into our partnerships, marriages, work relationships, family relationships, and friendships. When we have dealt with early trauma experiences, neglect, insufficient parenting or care taking, or trauma later in life, the consequences can be that we can have a tough time developing and maintaining healthy relationships.
As we begin navigating relationships, we look for ways to manage connection and authenticity, much the way we did as children. How real can I be and someone still accept and love me? For the vast majority of people, this is exactly the way we lived our lives as children. We literally had to forsake our authenticity to maintain or solidify the attachment to our caregivers. This can be especially true in religious environments. Authenticity is about being true to oneself. Connection is about the opening up of two people to one another in acceptance. Most of us find ourselves juggling this dilemma in increasingly complicated relationships. Anger, blame, judgement and shame among others, may become the protectors of our vulnerability and innocence.
In a lecture I attended, John Townsend commented, "What was once damaged in relationship, must be healed in relationship." I am a firm believer that individual therapy provides an essential opportunity to begin healing the inner-self. By befriending the "ugly" parts of ourselves, we can acknowledge the ways they helped us maintain connection. Unfortunately, the capricious connection came at the expense of our authenticity. Group therapy has become a staple of my practice. I find that group therapy gives clients an opportunity to remove the filter and experiment with new ways of connecting from an ever-evolving authentic self.
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